The Worst Airport in the World

I haven't been to every airport in the world, and I've had good and bad experiences just about everywhere, but let me just cast my vote for Miami International as being THE worst airport in the world. Superlative? Hyperbole? Nothing like an irritating experience with luggage tugging at your neck and arm to make a mountain of a mole hill, but this might be more like making an Everest of a Kilimanjaro. 32.5 million travelers passed through here in 2006. Woe be to the connecting flights.

Granted Miami has been undergoing renovations and expansion since the dawn of flight, but the current project was originally set for completion in 2005 but will now be (possibly) complete in 2011.

As I fly in from Chicago I am sitting with crossed fingers, all of them on each hand, and crossed ankles: PLEASE let me arrive and depart from the same terminal! If you have ever walked from D or E terminal to the other end of A terminal you know the drill. Consider exiting security and taking a taxi to the other end which seems about one mile closer than Disneyland (that's in Orlando, in case you are new to the planet).

The flight attendant alerts me that I am arriving in Terminal A. (Great!!) Moments later my ears prick up at the announcement of my final destination.... Terminal... (an interminable pause)... D, like a Death verdict. As expected, when everyone is unbuckling their seat belts and reaching for the overhead bins -- even as we are warned to stay seated until the seat belt light is turned off -- the two people between me and the aisle decide 2.5 hours wasn't enough time to review the inflight magazine and safety instructions, and they settle into their seats to wait for the aisle to clear a bit. I check the time. 45 minutes to get to my connecting flight. I stand with my head bent at an angle under the overhead bin so that the virtuously patient passengers become uncomfortable and decide to move to the aisle and let me out rather than risk witnessing a head coming off.

We shuffle along like a line at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles until finally I make the jetway where no one who is not actually worried about a connecting flight is thoughtful enough to step to the right for the gasping passengers about to embark on the full tour of Miami International.

I head into the terminal and consult a map. It appears as though there is a moving walkway now. I am positively gleeful. I follow some arrows that point up to the mezzanine and I take the escalator there only to find the Admiral Club lounge. And windows looking down on the terminal below... and across to what appears to be the walkway. So I -- and a steady stream of other bewildered travelers -- head right back down the escalator to the main floor. I look up at the other side wondering how to get up there. A crowd of rubberneckers forms behind me at the bottom of the red herring escalator. Down the terminal in the distance is another escalator and I head for it at a half run. Up we all go and sure enough there's the moving walkway... on the other side of a glass wall extending back beyond where we had started. Several of us drop our bags to the floor and plant both hands and face to the glass, staring with forlorn faces like kids at a candy store window. Travelers are whisked past, reading magazines, chatting on cell phones, smiling on their way to a beach somewhere perhaps. I'm checking the time again wondering if I will have time to grab food on my trek to D or even if I will make the connection at all. What if I get tired? Start to cramp up? Wear out a shoe???

I gather my carry-ons and continue along the glass, casting hateful scowls at the Forbidden Walkway riders. Then I descend another escalator and am resigned to hoof it halfway to Cleveland, following a drab corridor that bends and twists like a cardboard rat maze with a sign or two about halfway along the journey that says "next terminal 15 minutes." Not next train or tram or bus. Next Terminal.

I pass a couple feeding their infant in a stroller in a dim corner of the passageway. I imagine finding someone bedding down for the night for the second half of Miami's version of the Inca Trail. To make a long ordeal short, I arrived as the last groups were boarding. No doubt I was less than fresh and suddenly regretted not having packed an extra shirt in my carry-on. Five days later, I'd be sure to do so.

(Want a laugh? Read the summary of the Miami terminals and see if it doesn't sound like customer service instructions on how to get an actual human being on the line.)

Got other contestants for Worst Airport in the World? I'd like to hear them. Email me or post a comment!

Turks & Caicos - My Final Day

(Read my interview with LisaRaye McCoy here at The Mad Traveler Online!)

The thing about travel writing is everything is generally a rush. You have a list of things to do, places to see, and then you have a recorder in one hand, camera in the other... So at times you really don't get to savor a place. So it was with regret that I packed up my things at Ocean Club West. The suites are not for the mega-rich; this is best suited for couples and families (though certainly just as great for groups of friends). Just simply very nice, very comfortable. Modern kitchen and all the nice touches from an excellent bed to pleasant art on the walls. It fits that "home away from home" bill. Except my home isn't sitting on a picture perfect beach, of course. And I don't have a pool. Or tennis courts. Or an on-property restaurant and a sister property with even more to offer. I do have rum punch. But I have to make it myself. Not the same.

I took an early morning swim in a calm sea, and then I was off to the world's only conch farm. As overharvesting drives down conch populations in various areas of the Caribbean, I find it hard to believe no one else is doing this. The seaside collection of on and off shore conch enclosures produces enough to make a profit and set aside a percentage of the little snail-like critters to be re-introduced to the sea. Everybody wins.

After lunch I had an interview with actress and First Lady of the islands LisaRaye McCoy-Misick who is making the adjustment from Hollywood to Caribbean quite nicely. The film fest had a component aimed at including the kids of the island and many school children were in attendance in their uniforms. As sunset came on, a few celebrities gathered on the beach for Footprints in the Sand -- think Hollywood's walk of fame with surf. Michael Clarke Duncan was on hand and when I asked him what he thought of the idea of a film fest in Provo. Click here for his reply!

One last soiree for me (I had to leave before the grand finale awards ceremony) and I shared a few drinks with Frank, one of the competitors on The Apprentice. Then it was late to bed, early to rise, for a flight to Miami and a book reading/signing in the area. Provo's like a dream to me already...

(See a short article on Provo here at The Mad Traveler Online!)

(Read my interview with LisaRaye here at The Mad Traveler Online!)

Turks & Caicos, Provo - Day 2

A DJ from Miami livened up the crowd as attendees of the Turks & Caicos 3rd Annual International Film Festival gathered in the courtyard of The Alexandra Hotel in Provo for a soiree. Expectation lingered in the air as partygoers stood about sipping Dom Perignon, if they were somebody, or simple rum and Coke if they weren't so much (hey! that's me!) -- expectations of seeing the stars come out. "Isn't that that guy that was on The Apprentice?" Jasmine Guy is said to be hanging about here somewhere and First Lady of the islands LisaRaye is scheduled to appear on Friday. (And I am supposed to land an interview with her for an assignment. Still waiting on a confirmation.) The party went on until the wee hours and I hoped all the garden room guests were dancing because they surely weren't going to be able to sleep with the music pounding. I was happy to return to Ocean Club West and have a surf-lullaby outside my window.

Day Two was a trip to The Regent Palm Hotel to witness a panel of producers/directors talking about financing films. Then the screenings began with a few short films and some longer ones toward the end of the day. Some of the films on hand? Documentaries such as The World's Most Dangerous Polka Band and a history of the legendary Staxx Records, and feature film El Cantante starring J. Lo and her husband (still married? I don't keep track) salsero/actor Marc Anthony who plays salsero Hecor Lavoe (not much of a stretch I guess).

It's upper 80s, breezy and humid, mostly sunny and mostly stunning. Beach by day, beach by night. A relaxing float along the turquoise and then back to the sand where the films are shown on a 40-foot screen. Did I mention most of the events are free???

And today's dessert: Key lime pie!

(See a short article on Provo here at The Mad Traveler Online!)

Turks and Caicos - Provo, Day 1

Welcome to Providenciales! (Provo) Sand so white it makes me look tan. I am staying at lovely Ocean Club West, a luxury condo/hotel set on the beach at Grace Bay. Hot but breezy, no mosquitoes, a calm turquoise sea,

I turned my furnace on for the first time this fall just this past week. So you'd think I'd be running to the Caribbean for the warmth, the stunning beach or the excellent scuba diving. Not exactly. Try international films! But you can watch them on the beach too. Tonight is Footprints in the Sand, the Provo version of Hollywood's Walk of Fame. It is low season in the Caribbean as people head back to school and such up north and hurricane-wary vacationers hesitate. But this is the best time to be here. Deals abound, tourists do not. I was the only one on the dive boat today.

Provo Turtle Divers has been in operation since 1970 making it the longest running dive shop on the island. They work closely with Ocean Club Resorts and offer some great hotel/dive packages together. We dove The Aquarium in Thompson's Cove and The Catacombs in Grace Bay. Both were a very short boat ride from shore. (Nearly all dives here are boat dives, but the Coral Garden is near shore and good for snorkeling.) Good visibility, no currents, healthy coral, and lots of fish. Sea turtles, lobster and small sharks were the notable bigger characters today. The easy diving makes this great for beginners and a wonderful classroom for someone coming here to get certified.

The condo suites at the hotel are quite large and very well suited for families. Washer and dryer, full kitchens with everything you'd need to live here (some people do, of course). A large screened-in balcony overlooks the sea and pool area and there's a beachside restaurant if you aren't here to cook. Nannies for the little ones if you want. And if it all isn't enough, Ocean Club has a second location one mile down the beach with a shuttle to take you there.

The beach sand gleams white and is quite fine. This is often listed in those round ups for Most Beautiful Beaches. I'll go judge for myself...

(See a short article on Provo here at The Mad Traveler Online!)

Wisconsin Book Festival

Call us a bunch of nerds or bookworms, but many of us Madisonians have been waiting a long time for the annual Wisconsin Book Festival, when hordes of authors descend upon the town to read from their works and discuss a wide range of topics. I'm pleased as punch to be part of it this year (Saturday at Room of One's Own at 2 p.m.!!!) but overwhelmed with trying to find time to see everyone I want to see. Last night it was the always-amusing Michael Perry who packed the house (and the neighborhood's surrounding parking lots) at Borders West. Have you ever heard a cow praised for its beauty like Helen of Troy? A certain passage of Perry's Truck: A Love Story will get you laughing out loud (as will much of the rest of the book).

If you have never heard him speak, you need to. Check out where he is going next on his website Sneezing Cow. (The book that really started his reputation as a great Wisconsin humorist/essayist was Population 485)

Next week I am off to Turks & Caicos for the International Film Festival and a stay at the amazing Ocean Club Resorts on Grace Bay, touted as the most beautiful beach in the Caribbean (and some say arguably in the world - I'll gladly be the judge of that!). If you are in Fort Lauderdale on October 20, I will be in Weston's Public Library reading from The Yogurt Man Cometh.

Turkish bath in Milwaukee???

This week I am on an assignment for Milwaukee Home Magazine. Part of my research was to check out the WELL Spa at the Pfister Hotel. The Pfister, if you don't know, is the premier hotel in Milwaukee, an 1893 Victorian beauty that holds a AAA Four Diamond Award. When it opened, the Turkish bath in the basement was for men only and arguably the most luxurious in the country until the 1920s when it became a salon and barber shop. I don't know that Milwaukee is commonly thought of as a spa destination, but if you're in town or nearby, you might want to make it one.

I was looking for the Hammam experience. Turks adopted the Roman tradition of thermal baths and perfected it. A very hot soaking, exfoliation, and a deep-tissue massage. I've had them before when I lived in Turkey and as much as I liked the experience, it is much easier to go for comedy on it and talk about how much skin and flesh they remove in a scrubbing and big Johnny Turk's best efforts to remove your limbs during the massage. The WELL Spa at the Pfister of course doesn't offer that part of it, thankfully.

What they do offer is an experience that will leave you in bliss. Each spa suite has its own private bathroom and hammam shower -- a steam room and rain shower that offers water coming at you from several different directions. You choose the scents of your massage oils and select from a variety of music (you can bring your own too).

I had a 50-minute massage and then was left to myself with the steam and a mud mixture to pull out all the body's toxins in the hammam shower. One step beyond this would have been the Private Oasis and in that case a qualified esthetician does the exfoliation massage. This package runs $200 and lasts 80 minutes. Of course, these are just a couple options from a long list. Try this on for a Wisconsin experience: "Dairy State of Mind: starts with an all-natural combination of yogurt, organic milk, and honey. The blend is then gently massaged into the body, helping to diminish tissue lines while softening and energizing the skin." They didn't say if it was also edible.

Note to potential editors out there: I'm willing to go back and find out more.